(written November 10th)
This past May I announced to the world that we were going to start trying to get pregnant soon. I got off birth control in early July, and we started tracking and trying in August. Long story short, August-November were pretty terrible. I mean don’t get me wrong, there were DEFINITELY good parts, but the month after month disappointment was heartbreaking and discouraging for both of us. It’s really only fun to try to get pregnant the first month. After that, it’s nerve-wracking and defeating. Our third cycle of trying was the hardest. We cried the most, felt the most defeated and hopeless, and decided we were going to stop actively trying in the tracking, ovulation testing, writing everything down, counting everyday kind of trying until at least after the holidays. It was just too much. I just wanted to be content with my husband and my God and stop feeling disappointed and defeated each month.
On Wednesday, November 1st I was just feeling DONE and defeated. On Thursday, November 2nd I dyed my hair. The color didn’t take like it normally does. The same color I’ve been using for four years, and it looked different. I remembered googling about hair color before we ever even started trying to get pregnant, had to know if I couldn/should dye my hair. I remember reading that for some women, not all, but some, hair color doesn’t take or the color changes due to pregnancy hormones. My hope sparked, but I was majorly skeptical still. The odds of it happening this time were the slimmest they had been yet! So slim that I wasn’t going to test at all this cycle because I was SURE there was no way it was happening.
I took a cheap strip test that came with my ovulation test strips. I thought I saw the faintest of faint lines, but convinced myself I was seeing things. I took another strip test Friday morning, November 3rd, and didn’t see a line. That day we both were just hit with defeating/discouraging attacks about all of this and BOTH decided we were done trying so hard. I came home and put my ovulation journal away, deleted all my ovulation apps, and was done with all that stress. We went to Mistletoe Marketplace and ate McAlister’s clubs (lunch meat, that’s how sure I was that we weren’t pregnant) and watched Christmas movies. Before bed I decided to take another strip test. Again, I thought I saw a faint line, but again thought I was imagining things.
The next morning, Saturday, November 4th, I took another strip test and AGAIN thought I saw a faint line. I found all three of the other strip tests I had taken and lined the four of the tests up. I was sure I saw a faint line on all four now (even on the Friday morning one that I previously thought I didn’t see one on, I think I just didn’t wait long enough). Before getting in the shower, I decided to use one of the big boy digital ones. I had only used one of those before. I didn’t even wait on it, again, sure I wasn’t pregnant. In the shower I prayed that if it was possible that we were pregnant that the test would show and if it said not pregnant that I wouldn’t be crushed.
As I held it my hand started shaking and tears filled my eyes, and I barely had the voice to call for William. “William! I think we’re pregnant! I took a test, and it says pregnant!” We cried and hugged and kissed and cried and were just in shock. I then showed him the strip tests (I hadn’t told him I’d been doing them, just made a what if comment about my hair color and he thought I was crazy and told me we should start paying someone to do it professionally haha).
I had a haircut appointment, but on the way home picked up a couple of other brands of tests and did those when I got home. All said pregnant! We’ve cried so many times, think it’s so like God to show us that HE alone was answering the prayer William has prayed so many times, “create life in Kasia’s womb.” HE created this life, no planning or tracking or counting that I did made it happen. He made it happen on the month with the slimmest chance so it could be for His glory. It still doesn’t feel real, and we still can’t get over it! We are over the moon giddy and are completely at peace and not currently experiencing any fear. I just thought we prayed a lot to get pregnant. Now that there is life inside of me our prayers have increased so much! So many prayers have already been said for this baby, and we haven’t even known about him/her for a solid week yet.
GOD IS SO GOOD! He would have continued to be good if we never got pregnant. He will still be good if we lose this baby (praying against that every moment!). And He is good if we get to raise this baby too. Our God is good.
(PS. I know a lot of people have to wait a lot longer than we did. I know the pain we felt in our waiting doesn’t compare to some of the things others have experienced. On a very limited scale, we understand very vaguely now the heartache that some people go through and our hearts ache for you and our prayers go out for you. We honestly were sure, even before ever trying, that we might not ever get pregnant. We were prepared to adopt – and might still someday – but please know that we know our pain doesn’t even compare to what many people go through, and we hurt for those people.)