Her Story: The Prequel

May 6, 2016January 4, 20176 Comments

Like all the other stories I love to tell, this is [Part 1 of] a story of redemption, fulfilled hope, and an amazing God, who knows and hears His people.

The Prequel

On January 12th, 2016 I wrote a post about/to my future husband (you can read all of it here).

I said these words:

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know if you’re near (in proximity and timing) or far. If I’m honest, some days I don’t even know if you exist.”

It turns out he did indeed exist, that I did, in fact, know him, that he was 22-25 miles away in proximity, and that he was way closer than I ever could have imagined in timing. On January 14th, 2016 (two days later, what?!) I started falling in love with my future husband.

If you read my last blog post, you know a little about William: we met in college, he was one of the 35 guys I had a crush on at MC, he thought I was weird, I thought he was snobby. We didn’t stay in touch, but his wonderful sister and I (former camp friends) stayed friends on Facebook.

circa 2006 at a college formal

For at least a year, Emily (my amazing soon-to-be sister-in-law) kept telling William to read my blog. She thought/knew that he would like me, my words, and my heart. Everytime Emily would mention it, William remembered the college version of me – bright, colorful, determined to show the world she was different and unique through her fashion choices. In a word, I was weird, PROUD to be so, but weird and hadn’t quite realized yet that my weirdness could be expressed through my personality and not through my wardrobe. My mantra was that if I dressed “normal” and trendy, then I was a sellout and not true to myself (silly!). According to William and Emily, the conversations went something like this.

Emily: Did you read Kasia’s new blog post? I really think you’d like her! I think you’re going to marry her.

William: Rainbow Brite?? The girl that wore wristbands and pigtails? That’s weird Emily.

Emily: From what I can see on Facebook, she dresses pretty normal now. And that doesn’t matter anyway! The heart is what matters and I really think you’d like her heart.

In December, I wrote the Christmas Pep-Talk post. Emily delivered a final plea to get William to listen to her. She told him she’d never mention it again, but asked him just to read it. He did and realized she was at the very least on to something about him liking my heart. He added me on Facebook, we did the normal catching up thing, then stopped talking.

Meanwhile, I was visiting my best friend and her family for Christmas. We were sitting at the kitchen table playing Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit.

Me: William Twiner just added me on Facebook??

Micki: Is he single?!

Me: I don’t know. He was one of the 35 crushes though and he likes Harry Potter.

We’ve been having conversations like this for 13 years. Nothing out of the ordinary. We went right back to being impressed with our Harry Potter knowledge and drinking our wine. But I did decide at that moment that I’d pray about him later.

2015 was a year of learning to hope against hope that God was going to give me a husband IF He wanted to (I had given up on that many times before), and IF NOT, He was going to continue to be GOOD in my life and give me an abundantly full life with or without a husband. I felt many things prior to that year in regards to a future husband, entitled and hopeless being the reoccurring themes. But 2015 was a year of being driven to consistent prayer for the first time about this area of life. I kept finding out over and over again that other people in my life regularly prayed for MY future husband, and that one existed. I didn’t even pray those prayers for myself. Here and there sure, but with no sort of consistency.

When a girl that I barely knew for a few months over ten years ago told me that for TWO years she had been praying for me, it pushed me to pray those prayers for myself consistently for the first time in my life. I made a habit out of praying about and for any single guy who was in my life or crossed my path in a significant way. My prayer was always the same, “I love my life! It is abundant and full and beautiful. If this guy, or any, could be someone who would bring me closer to you and not further away, work out the details. If I could be better used in ministry and for Your glory with him than without, work it out. If not, let me forget about him.”

“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Luke 11:13

“And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.” 1 John 5:14

When William and I had a short fleeting conversation on Facebook, I prayed that prayer about him a few times, then moved on. Meanwhile…

Emily: Have you talked to her again? Did you read her future husband post? I think it’s about you.

William: What am I supposed to say? ‘My sister thinks I should marry you. Want to hang out?’ That’s weird Emily.

And then Alan Rickman (Professor Snape on Harry Potter) died. Within minutes, we each posted similarly sentimental things about being sad about his death. I messaged him on Facebook and told him I had been in my office sobbing for an hour about Alan Rickman and how watching Harry Potter would never be the same. That lead to nerdy conversations about what houses we were in and how at some point everyone thought or hoped they’d be Gryffindor, but most of us weren’t (I’m a Hufflepuff, he’s a Slytherin ). That perfectly lead to us talking about the Gospel and sin and really deep and beautiful things about Jesus and His love and redemption in our lives. (And we pretty much haven’t stopped talking since that moment.)

The next day, after literally talking non-stop for 24 hours with a short break to sleep, he asked me out on our first date. It was perfect. It was different. I tried to be calm and pretend that what was happening wasn’t happening even literally saying to my roommates and friends who were joking about us getting married the day after our first date, “I CAN NOT start a new job, get a new car, and get married in the same year!” Well, I was wrong.

I knew I might marry him on our first date.

I knew I could probably marry him on our second date after we both shared our stories, the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, and redeemed parts.

I knew I was supposed to marry him the morning after our second date when before 8 am God’s response to my late night and early morning prayers for direction was the most beautiful sunrise I’d ever seen, a perfect and beautiful rainbow as a reminder of His promises, and hearing the lyrics to a worship song that had previously only made me think about MY story, but was very clearly speaking to my heart about HIS story:

“My [his] past embraced. My [his] sin forgiven. I’m [he’s] blameless in Your sight. My [his] history rewritten. You delight in showing mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. Oh Love, great Love. Fear cannot be found in You. There will never be a day You’re uncertain of the ones You chose.”

I knew at that moment that if God chose to give me this man, if he was calling me to him, that despite the mess in both of our redeemed pasts, our future would be breathtakingly more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

I knew I wanted to marry him when he told me I was the epitome of Molly Weasley, when he held my hand for the first time, when he told me he loved me, when he noticed my favorite freckle on my lip and so many other little quirky things about me, when he prayed for me before I told him about hard stuff from my past, when he prayed for us when we had our first disagreement, when I saw him teach God’s word, when I saw over and over the passion he has for Jesus and His word and ministry, when I really saw the way he looked at me, when I realized my prayers and hopes for a man who could lead me spiritually were being met in him, when I saw him serve his branch of the body of Christ so beautifully, when I saw how much he loved his niece, sister, mom, grandparents, etc., and a million other times.

I knew I was going to marry him because of all the moments that didn’t even actually involve him. Moments between a Heavenly Father and a terrified girl when overwhelming peace that surpasses all understanding was delivered over and over again in abundance. This peace was something that I couldn’t have mustered up on my own. Have you met me? I’m probably one of the least calm and most easily frazzled people you have ever met (just change something I have planned out to see for yourself). Every big and baby step along the way was filled with supernatural peace and affirmation.

I knew he wanted to marry me when we had the “are we on the same page” talk not too far into dating.

We knew.

I admittedly wanted to roll my eyes more than once when other married couples said those words in my previous years of life. “We just knew.” “When you know, you know.”

It’s a different kind of knowing than I imagined, but for us it was true. I expected the “knowing” to feel like magic (I think we can blame movies for that). This love for sure is full of magical feelings, butterflies, and sparkles, but more than anything else it just feels like home. It feels normal. It feels like forever. But this kind of knowing isn’t based on a feeling for me. It’s a know I felt deep inside my soul. It was a knowing that came with the aforementioned supernatural peace that only the Creator of love can deliver. I knew it as sure as I knew God called me to Himself, saved me, and would love and pursue me forever. It felt like a calling just as much as being called to ministry or a job or to move or to do anything else I had previously done in life that the Lord called me to.

When we had that conversation and realized we both knew, that we both wanted to spend forever together, and that we wanted to be obedient to the calling to sacrificially love each other and be covenant committed to one another for eternity, more peace and affirmation continued to be delivered! We were scared. Scared of ourselves, scared of enemy attacks, and scared of what other people would think. But the good thing about allowing God to lead you to the person He has for you is that He is more than able to squash every fear. William told me that he adamantly believed we should get married on my favorite day (all the heart eyes and tears!). We considered our fears and our “knowing” and decided if the only reason we wanted to wait until 2017 was because of what other people would think, it wasn’t a good enough reason! God continued to give us abundant peace about 2016 and affirm that decision in beautiful ways and through the support of family and friends.

To be continued…

Part 2: The Proposal

Part 3: The Perpetual Blessing

Mondays and Meet-Cutes

February 29, 2016January 4, 20171 Comment

Mondays

Mondays get a bad rep. I think they deserve it sometimes, but I also think they deserve redeemable chances and for us to not hate them.

Last Monday, I really wanted to be mad at Monday because 1. It was Monday. 2. I was sleepy. 3. It was rainy (which made me sleepier). 4. My hair looked a lot better in my morning pre-coffee sleepiness than it actually did once I got to work and saw it after a cup (or two) of coffee. 5. I didn’t like the breakfast I brought that I just so happened to make FIVE of for the whole week.

I could have stayed there, and I kind of wanted to stay there, but I decided not to. I was reminded that Mondays also bring new mercies – new opportunities to be a good friend, new chances to see the people you encounter every day as souls and not just passersby, new moments to allow the Holy Spirit to use your life as a vessel to demonstrate and declare the Gospel, more shots to encourage the people in your life.

Instead of wallowing in my Monday woes, I prayed for people specifically and by name and told them I did so, hoping to encourage their Mondays. I decided to be open to conversations, interruptions, and interactions. I still wanted a nap, but instead of focusing on the terribleness of the dreaded MONDAY, I found myself only being able to think of the many reasons I have to love my life and my Jesus more despite Mondays, rain, sleepiness, bad hair, and gross breakfast.

This Monday I wanted to wake up REALLY early to go to the grocery store and have Jesus time. I turned off my first two alarms instead of snoozing them and didn’t wake up for grocery store time. I had time for Jesus time which was great, but then I got stressed out about completely silly things that seemed surface at first. When I couldn’t shake them, I dug a little and realized the roots were much deeper and weren’t about the silly surface things at all and actually about some major unbelief issues. I sobbed in my car and then panicked some more. As I walked across campus to acquire the breakfast that I didn’t get at the grocery store, I prayed out loud and hoped no fellow sidewalk walkers would think I was crazy for talking to myself.

I’ll leave out some of the details because I don’t need to share EVERYTHING with you, but my prayers went something like this:

God, please forgive my inability to believe that you are good, gracious, glorious, and great. Help me believe that you ARE good, gracious, glorious, and great in ALL of my life, but right now specifically in all of THIS.

Remind me that you are good and for our good and that we don’t have to look elsewhere for goodness because it’s all found in you. Remind me that you desire to give us good gifts and want to continue to give us good gifts. Help me trust that goodness is okay and that bad things aren’t always right around every corner and destined to happen. And when bad things do happen, help me remember that your goodness isn’t diminished.

Remind me that you are gracious and that I don’t have to prove myself! This is what I’m struggling with the most today. Remind me and show me that you are gracious and you freely give me grace that I don’t deserve – that I can’t earn your grace or your gracious gifts. Remind me that you have the authority and desire to lavish gracious gifts on us. I don’t deserve it, but I’ve been chosen by you.

Remind me that you are glorious and that I don’t have to fear others. You created us for YOUR glory, not ours. You bless us to bless others for YOUR glory.

Remind me that you are great and that I don’t have to be in control! Remind me over and over that control IS NOT mine. YOU and you alone are GREAT and in control. Calm the panic and anxiety I feel when I recognize that I’m not in control. I’m not in control of the future, and that’s okay. Let me not go to the worst and bad places and think the worst things will happen, but let me rest and know that I am not in control. You are. And you love me.

Holy Spirit, intercede for me with the words I don’t even know to say. Fight for me. Thank you for these gifts! Forgive me of my unbelief and help me believe.

Monday didn’t miraculously get less “Monday” because I prayed and trusted God with my unbelief. In fact, when I went to the cafeteria a few hours later, I was the Monday-est kind of clumsy. Does anyone else feel clumsier on Mondays?! First, I dropped grape tomatoes from the salad bar on the floor. Next, my to-go box came open and spilled half of the beautiful salad with sticky, wet dressing all over the floor and I had to squat down and clean it all up while wearing a skirt. Then, I literally got hit in the face with the door because I didn’t know it would swing closed so fast. Next, I spilled my drink multiple times on the sidewalk and myself as I walked. Lastly, my to-go box carrying arm got tired so I tried to maneuver a switch between to-go box holding hand and drink holding hand and the box started to flip and fall to the ground and I caught it, spilling more of my drink. BUT, because I got another fresh dose of new mercies and felt the peace of God wrap its arms around me like a secure hug earlier, I just laughed.

I think it’s okay if Mondays (or Wednesdays or Saturdays) are bad days. But I also think it’s okay and a good if we don’t let bad starts or moments turn into bad days or weeks or months or seasons. I think it’s okay and good to fight with everything we have for redeemed Mondays and moments. I think it’s okay and good to ask God and the Holy Spirit to fight the fights we don’t know how to fight and give us new mercies and fresh doses of peace and hearts that belief. And I think it’s okay and good to laugh at the ridiculous moments instead of claiming them as a bad day moment. Mondays deserve second chances and attitudes of gratitude too. And today on this Monday, one of the things I am feeling the most gratitude for is actually a someone I haven’t told you (blog world) about yet.

Meet-Cutes

So… I met a boy! Well, I remet him actually. His name is William and we went to college together and have known of each other for 13-ish years. He thought I was a little weird in college (and let’s be honest, I was and wore wristbands as bracelets and had a different color hair every other week and dressed up in character for a Harry Potter movie premiere we both went to once). I thought he was a little snobby (even though he was one of the 35 college crushes). Needless to say, we didn’t stay in touch, but his sister and I kept up with each other via social media posts. She had apparently been strongly suggesting that he might like me if he read my blog posts and got to know me. He decided to take a chance on the weird girl from college, and because I vowed to do brave things this year, I welcomed it. We started reconnecting, catching up, and getting to know each other. We talked about Jesus, the Gospel, sin, rebellion, and how our stories had been redeemed A LOT. (We also talked about Harry Potter, which as you can assume, I loved.) He read every single one of my 31 People(s) posts + some (what?!).

He realized his sister was right (as a sister to a brother I would just like to add that SISTERS ARE USUALLY RIGHT, listen to them), and asked me out. It’s been a beautiful and fun whirlwind of a surprise! In August, my word for the month was anticipation. I declared in this Instagram post that I was anticipating all the things of the season I love, the end of summer, and a meet-cute. For those of you who think I made up that word, it is defined as “a scene, typically in film or television, in which a future romantic couple meets for the first time in a way that is considered adorable, entertaining, or amusing.” When I was anticipating that said meet-cute, William was nowhere on my radar! He was and is completely unexpected, but I’m overwhelmingly thankful for him every day. He’s funny, wise, quirky, a closet nerd, intentional, confident, bearded, a giver of the best hugs, notices and likes all of my quirks, encouraging, and loves Jesus in a way that inspires me and pushes me to Jesus over and over again.

I’m certain you’ll be hearing lots more about him soon, but today I just want you to know that he exists and is pretty fantastic. This morning when I had my sobbing freaking out panic moment that I confessed to him, these were the things he said to me:

“Who can add a single day of to their life with worry?

Look at the lilies of the field, even Solomon in all his splendor was not adorned as the lilies were. If God provides for them, the grass of the field that is here today and gone tomorrow, how much more will He provide for us his children?

What father would give his child a snake that asked for a fish? Does not our Heavenly Father want to give good gifts to his children?

In all things, pray without ceasing.

I pray the Lord calms your heart and allows you to trust in his providence.”

And that is all I need to tell you about him today! He loves Jesus and makes me want to love Jesus more. If you’ve been around here anytime, you know that I’ve questioned whether or not I’d be single forever and confessed that I hate dating and that it scares me. Here’s what I know now because of the gift that William is to my life:

None of us are promised that we won’t be single forever, BUT I 100% believe that it is 100% okay for you to be single and want to not be single. I don’t think it’s okay to think your life isn’t or won’t be good if you’re single forever or to feel entitled to not being single, but I think you should continue to fervently bring those prayers and desires to our good, good Father.

The right kind of dating that is the God-honoring, fighting for purity and holiness kind of dating is not scary. It is good and able to bring you closer to God and not further away from Him and stir your affections more for the Creator of the Universe who redeemed your story and another person’s story that is now in your life.

All relationships are messy and refining, but refinement is GOOD.

It really is worth the agonizing hurt and wait and heartache to get to experience the kind of dating that is free of guilt and shame. It really is.

Enjoy your Mondays, give them second chances. Ask for and receive new mercies and fresh doses of peace. Pray for your meet-cutes. Pray for your single friends. Pray for your married friends. Pray for your engaged friends. Pray for your friends in dating relationships. To do so is part of loving them well! All of those things and stages of life are difficult and beautiful for similar and different reasons. Love your life and the people in it even if all the people you want in it aren’t there! The end.

Oh, you wanted a picture, right? 🙂

2016 Goals

January 18, 2016January 22, 20161 Comment

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I decided this year I wanted to live with goals a little bit before posting them. AND I wanted to finish the 31 People(s) project as well. I’m still enjoying the feeling of finishing a project that meant so much to me (even if it was a little later)! But now, it’s time to share! I need the accountability of sharing these things with the world. There’s nothing magical about a goal or a resolution, and it’s okay if you don’t like them. But for me and my Type A personality, goals motivate me. They help me live my life with intention and not just let it slip by, and I welcome that.

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As you might recall, my words for last year were fight and love. They REALLY became the theme of the year – fighting for my best life along with the Holy Spirit to live a life that demonstrated the Gospel and fought for the things that mattered and loving the people in my life fiercely. I’ll probably post a recap soon of what goals happened last year and what didn’t, but fight and love happened in big ways all year.

For this year, the word that kept sticking out as I thought through all my goals was the word light. I want to bravely do things that scare me this year. For me, to not take risks and not do scary things is to stay in the dark. To do scary things and take risks is to live in and chase the light. I want to be brave enough to write and talk about the hard things – bringing them out of the darkness and into the light. I want to continue the fight I started last year – continuing to not let sin control me by living in the light with accountability and my gospel family fighting with and for me. I want to believe that God has given me dreams and that it’s okay to chase and believe in them – living in the LIGHT. Dreams are bright. Bravery is bright. Fighting against sin is bright. Hope is bright. The opposite of not having dreams, not being brave, not fighting, and not hoping against hope is darkness. More light!

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All of my big yearly goals fit into three categories – simplify, live abundantly, choose healthy. I want to stop buying unnecessary things and exchange frivolous spending for more simplicity. I want to live abundantly, bravely, chasing dreams, doing scary things like not being afraid to talk to boys, have hard conversations, or call myself a writer (or start new jobs and quit old ones – CHECK!). I want to choose healthy options like physical activity and better food.

{simplify} Buy less. For every new clothing purchase, 3 others must be donated. Shoes 1 for 1. Makeup 5 for 1. No more impulse buying or buying things just because they are on sale. A purchase has to a be thought out commitment when it requires getting rid of other things.

{simplify} Save more and towards future possible car payments.

{simplify} Tithe regularly and bless others.

{live abundantly} Do something scary every month.

{live abundantly} Only check social media every 2 hours for 5-10 minutes, max 1 hour total a day. (This has proved to be way harder than I thought, but I’m still attempting it!)

{live abundantly} Be a good writer. Good writers write, read (BOOKS! Not just blogs and social media articles), connect, believe, and try.

{choose health} No solo drive-thrus.

{choose health} Eat less sugar.

{choose health} Workout for 30 minutes a day, 3-4 days a week at the gym, at home, or outside (do something even if it doesn’t seem “big”).

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My main focus for monthly goals is to read all the books I didn’t read last year! But I also want to be intentional to make the big goals happen through monthly goals too. This is a rough list and I know I’ll add more, but it’s a good start. I also readded some of the monthly ones from last year that I either never did or liked so much I wanted to do it again.

January: Finish Let’s All Be Brave by Annie Downs. Send snail mail. Finish 31 people(s). Write notes to coworkers. Talk to a boy.

February: Finish Harry Potter on audiobook and Make It Happen by Laura Casey. Make and share Valentine’s cookies. Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

March: Finish The Selection Series by Kiera Cass. Write coworkers notes. Buy a stranger coffee once a week. Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

April: Finish I Want God by Lisa Whittle. Bring neighbors and landlord baked goods. Plan 33 Things. Write gospel family notes. Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

May: Finish A Million Little Ways by Emily Freeman. Do 33 things (TBD, but load a Starbucks card to gift Instagram followers with coffee, send snail mail, & other things). Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

June: Finish Love Does by Bob Goff. Host a game night pot luck. Write prayers for roommates. Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

July: Read The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. Make ice cream in barely used ice cream maker once a week. Wear my two-piece swimsuit somewhere (with all girls, it’s not a scandalous swimsuit but a classy one that terrifies me and a body image challenge). Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

August: Read Restless by Jennie Allen. Write coworkers notes with a new school year survival happy. Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

September: Read Simply Tuesday by Emily Freeman. Master a new baked good. Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

October: Finish 1000 Gifts by Ann Voscamp. Bring neighbors and landlord pumpkin bread. Attempt 31 days again (maybe). Invite a gospel family household over for dinner.

November: Restart/read Wicked Lovely Series by Melissa Marr. Make a real turkey. Host a girls’ night.

December: Finish Wicked lovely Series by Melissa Marr. Send Christmas cards. Bring neighbors cookies.

And I made pretty printouts to put places again. Seriously, I love a January – a new year, new goals, and new motivation. I already feel like a much braver person and not as cripplingly terrified to do scary things. I already feel like I can’t rely on shopping therapy as a controlling crutch, and that feels good. Now to figure out how to actually make the working out thing happen again and I’ll be off to a good start!

31 People(s): Final Thoughts

January 16, 2016January 16, 2016Leave a comment

WE MADE IT! You made it through reading my WAY too many words (41,500 words, 63 pages single spaced). I made it through this challenge I was determined to complete, even if it wasn’t in the 31 days originally planned.

Good grief this was an amazing journey completely and totally orchestrated by God. I knew the moment He put it on my heart that it was Him. I didn’t know what all it would mean and do for my life, but I KNEW it was Him.

So what did it do? What happened in my heart? Everything!

Firstly, It’s surprisingly terrifying to write about the people you love, to say things about them you’ve rarely been brave or intentional enough to say to their faces, to be scared they won’t read it, to be scared they will, to be humbled when they do. TERRIFYING! Worth it every single time though.

Writing about people and the way they have impacted your story and about HUGE moments in your story, is so raw and exposing. Every time I pressed submit I felt like I was turning a magnifying glass on my heart for the world to see. Any reservation I had about what I was sharing was usually immediately squashed by the overwhelming feeling that it just felt right. Scary or not, it was right.

Pretty early into this journey, I felt God speaking some major things to my heart. #1. I’m a writer. I’m not “just” a blogger. I can’t keep discrediting the call He’s given me and ability He’s given me to do it by saying silly things like, “I’m not a ‘real’ writer. I’m ‘just’ a blogger.” It’s in my soul. I can’t let go of it. I recently read in Annie Down’s book that, “it’s said to be a writer is to have homework every day for the rest of your life.” My work is never done and I don’t want it to be! I never stop wanting to tell a story. #2. The realization made me brave enough to actually pursue things to further my writing journey. I took some online writing seminars. I contacted MANY magazines and publications about freelance writing. I did my first feature article interview and will HOPEFULLY have a feature posted in a magazine soon! I hope to at least have a few published pieces over the next year. #3. I really do believe that I’ll write a book one day. I don’t know how or when or where or what, but I know it’s something I’ve been called to do and that I don’t have to be scared of it.

The moral of this three+ month long story is – LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR PEOPLE. Believe in you and the calls God places on your life. Believe in them and see the best in every one of them. THANK YOU for reading all of these words. Thank you for encouraging me along the way. Thank you for affirmation that will last a lifetime. You words and willingness to read mine mean so much more to me than you can ever know! Tears are streaming down my face as I say goodbye to this project. It was a labor of love and I’m forever changed by it – the awareness of the wonderful people in my life, the beauty of the God in my life who has given me these people, and the amazing feeling of knowing you’ve been called to and equipped for something. I really do love you!

This is part of my 31 People(s) I Love series. I’ll be writing about 31 people/peoples that I adore! Click here if you would like a list of all the posts in this series.

31 People(s): Et Cetera

January 16, 2016January 16, 2016Leave a comment

Here’s the thing about life and the people in our lives – they never stop coming! Though my 31 People(s) list has come to an end, I know there are so many people I have cherished from all the seasons of life I’ve lived, so many people I have yet to meet and will love, more neighbors to be had, more coworkers to live my days with, and beyond.

To the people of my past who may not be in my present – I’m thankful for the moments I had with you, for the lessons you taught me.

To the friends of my future – I can’t wait to meet you and know your story and figure out all the ways to love you well!

To the people in traffic that I yell at – I’m sorry. I don’t know what comes over me! You really aren’t an idiot and I’m working on that.

To the strangers I pass everyday – I pray that I’ll always be interruptible and ready to meet you and see your heart.

To my neighbors, present and future – I want to know you! It’s really scary to knock on your door, but I really hope that it happens one day. I hope you can eat a meal in my house and that we can look out for each other.

I love you all! I really do. I know I toss around the word love like it doesn’t carry the power it does, but I mean it. I think we’re called to love the people in our lives, our neighbors, strangers, and even our enemies with the love that we’ve been shown – the love of Jesus.

This is part of my 31 People(s) I Love series. I’ll be writing about 31 people/peoples that I adore! Click here if you would like a list of all the posts in this series.

31 People(s): Future Husband

January 12, 2016January 4, 2017Leave a comment

Dear Future Husband,

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if you wanna be my one and only all of my life…

JK. I hate that song. (In case you don’t know what song I’m talking about, listen at your own risk.) It’s annoyingly catchy and flawed and not the song I want to sing to my future husband. Or the words I want to speak to him since I don’t plan on ever singing a song to him, or anyone, other than our future children when no one else is listening and/or my car steering wheel…

Not that it doesn’t have some decent points (feel free to read the lyrics before you read my commentary on them):

You can take me on dates and buy me flowers. I’ll buy groceries, I actually like doing that, but if you’d like to be in charge of the budget I’m totally okay with that because I hate math and will always spend too much if left to my own devices (but I’m working on that – 2016 goal sneak peek). I actually did learn to cook and I’m pretty dang good at it. It would be nice if you’d treat me, and all ladies, like ladies. When I’m acting crazy you can tell me everything’s alright if you want to, but you can also gently remind me that I’m being crazy. You can – and I hope you will – tell me I’m beautiful whenever you want to. After fights we should probably both apologize, not just you, and I am wrong often. We can disagree. Making time for me is also cool since my love language is quality time and since we’ll be, you know, married. We can see your family more than mine, but I’d like to claim Thanksgiving with mine at least every other year. We do Thanksgiving well and fairly drama free. I’m flexible on which side of the bed is mine, but I’d like you to be on the side closest to the door in case anyone breaks in so you can punch and/or shoot/stab them or something. I’m not good at those things. You can open doors for me if it’s convenient and you aren’t carrying things or I am carrying things, but I’m probably going to kiss you whether you do or not. Classy is good. And I honestly don’t care too much about rings and carats or even real diamonds, but rose gold is good, and/or a tattoo because that’d be cool, but rose gold something please (I’ve already instructed a couple of people to give you the rose gold specification when the time comes, but just in case they forget, it’s here now, forever, so make good choices, unless I change my mind, which is possible).

Okay we’re done with that song. DONE!!

But for real, here are the things I want to say to you/about you in no particular order with no sort of organization.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know if you’re near (in proximity and timing) or far. If I’m honest, some days I don’t even know if you exist. I don’t know if I’ve already met you once or twice or several times or if our paths have even crossed yet. I don’t know if I met you in a coffee shop, if we met at a wedding once, if we went to college together and will reconnect someday, if our mutual friends think we’d be perfect for each other, if you have a beard, how you like your coffee, IF you like coffee, or ANYTHING.

I know nothing.

Well… I do know what our wedding will be like and what we’ll name our kids. Too soon?

I don’t know if you’ll actually meet the three Q “requirements” that one of my RAs made me come up with (she had three Ds) – quirky, quizzical (wise), and quixotic (the only q word that could summarize my “huggable” preference, some of the definitions are negative but I chose to go with the “extravagantly chivalrous or romantic” one, hugs are chivalrous and romantic, it’s a stretch, but just let me have it!). I don’t know if you will be any of the things I wrote on “The List” in the back of the future husband journal that I started my freshman year of college in 2002 that I haven’t written in since Valentine’s Day 2007 when I penned that I hoped I’d meet you before the next Valentine’s Day (spoiler alert – that didn’t happen). I haven’t been able to bring myself to dispose of that ridiculous journal. I like going back and seeing how much I’ve learned about life since than, cringing and laughing at the ridiculousness, AND noticing how much my writing skills have improved, but seriously, you’re never reading it. Ever. Literally almost everything my naive younger self wrote in there is ridiculous and I take most of it back. In particular, I would like to say loud and clear that I DID NOT mean it when I said on April 3, 2002 that I wanted us to date for a year and then be engaged for a year before we get married. We’re 30-ish something now, let’s get this show on the road!

Seriously though, my April 3, 2002 self was crazy and clearly didn’t know that 14-ish years of additional life lived would have a major impact on the appeal of dating. I kind of hate dating and the idea of dating you scares the heck out of me. If there was a reality show about arranged marriages set up by friends, I’d be on board. Some parts of dating are fun and I wouldn’t want to miss out on them, but some parts? Let’s just skip it and get married okay? Okay whatever, I know that’s not feasible. But if we have to do this dating thing, please have people that are going to coach you through dating me and make sure I have those people too. I don’t want to mess things up with you, but I’m absolutely terrified that I will. Dating is hard! There’s the whole uncertainty thing EVERYWHERE. Not knowing who likes who or officially or how much or blah blah blah that is enough to drive even the sanest person crazy (and due to my flair for the dramatic I’ve never held that title). And then all the rest – the formalities and pressure of trying to be impressive and your quirky self at the same time and saying things too soon or not soon enough and the fact that we’re 30-ish and have lived enough life to make enough mistakes we’ll have to talk about at some point. And then the risks of potential heartache and rejection. There’s a lot! I know it’s worth it, but I’m just scared. When you like me, just tell me. If we’re dating but it’s ambiguous because no one has said that word, just tell me. If I’m your girlfriend or you want me to be, just tell me. JUST SAY THINGS! Don’t leave me to guess and be confused because I promise I’ll probably guess wrong. Convince me that we can do this dating thing and do it well, okay?

We have to work out. I’m a really good cook and I’ve been waiting to cook for you my whole life, or at least since I got my first Easy Bake Oven circa 1992. Picture proof below. Also, I still make this face when people make me take pictures with the gifts they got me, but I really was excited.

But really, I’ll cook healthy things most of the time, but I’m going to want to blow you away with my cooking skills so that you’ll brag about how your wife is the best cook ever. That means I’m gonna use butter sometimes. And desserts. So we have to work out. Together, separate, I don’t care. There just has to be some accountability and push there or we’re both gonna gain weight.

I apologize in advance for rearranging the dishes you put in the dishwasher. I want you to load the dishwasher, and I promise I don’t think you’re doing it wrong. It’s just a puzzle I have to figure out and make pretty and I can’t stop myself. I have to make it pretty (and filled to the maximum capacity). And the fridge. And the cabinets. And maybe your side of the closet. I’ve never shared a closet (other than college when I hadn’t discovered my love for organization yet, don’t talk to my college roommates about my cleanliness back then, especially Brownhair), so I don’t know my limits.

I cry a lot. Happy. Sad. Mad. Confused. Traffic. Hanger. Tired. TV shows. TV commercials. Radio commercials. Adele songs. Babies. At the gym. At work. Because I don’t like my hair. Because I don’t like my outfit. Because I spilled my coffee. Baby animals. Any military reunion video. Any movie about sports (or if I’m forced to watch real sports and not movies about them). You can laugh at me, I don’t mind. Unless it’s a mad or sad cry then maybe just laugh WITH me afterwards when I’m experiencing the after cry happy high after you’ve hugged me. Just embrace it and don’t be scared of it. I’m a cryer. Just let it happen.

Waiting is and has been pretty dang hard. I know you know this too. But it really is! I love love. I have been loving love as far back as I can remember. I’m not one of those Singles Awareness Day/let’s wear black on Valentine’s Day/over love and couples kind of girls. I love couples, marriage, hearts, hanging out with couples, watching movies and shows about love, and even Valentine’s Day. I celebrate it for others and think it’s beautiful. I’m not obsessed with having it or finding it, I’m not bitter towards others who have it, I’m not full of angst about not having it, but I’ve never been opposed to it. I confess that many times I’ve felt sinfully entitled to feeling like I deserve you so we can be each other’s family and create our own family to redeem broken fam ily stuff. I also confess that in those hard counseling days, one of the biggest lies I clung to was believing that if God didn’t give me you, it meant He lied about the abundantly full life promise. Week after week my counselor tried to get me to say that my life could and would be great with or without a husband. I wouldn’t say it. I’d say back over and over, “I like my life now, and I’ve had a great life, but I don’t think I can keep loving life forever without a husband and family.”

With the utmost sincerity, I really do believe now and forever that my life will continue to be abundantly full and beautiful with or without you. Thanks to a lot of hard counseling work freeing me up from shame and feelings of unworthiness, I was in a place where I was able to be forever changed in the way I think about sin and unbelief by what I learned from my Gospel community and other wise people. The past year or so of life, I’ve been on a forever journey of realizing that sin and clinging to lies is less about behaviors and more about an inability to believe fundamental truths about God – that He’s good, great, glorious, and gracious. When we believe He’s good, we don’t have to look elsewhere for satisfaction. When we don’t, our idol becomes comfort. When we believe He’s great, we don’t have to be in control. When we don’t, our idol becomes control. When we believe He’s gracious, we don’t have to prove ourselves. When we don’t, our idol becomes power. When we believe He’s glorious, we don’t have to fear others. When we don’t, our idol becomes approval. (These are called the 4 Gs and they are from Tim Chester’s book You Can Change.)

I struggle with all of those things at different moments, but there was one that was a blaringly obvious idol in my life. I didn’t believe God was good. I really, really didn’t. Satisfaction was found elsewhere, mainly in the idea of you and a future family. If I didn’t get those things, I couldn’t believe life would continue being good. I feel free from that now. I absolutely hope you exist. I miss you even though I’ve never met you. I wish you could hug me. I wish I could hold your hand. I wish I wish I got to pick out Christmas presents for you and use all the lovey dovey stationary I’m hoarding from my stationery subscription to write you cute notes. I wish you would have gotten to meet my dad. I wish I could pack your lunch. I miss you on holidays and when I have to move heavy furniture or fix things. And with 100% confidence I already know I’m going to love you (hence why you’re worthy of one of these 31 people(s) I love posts). But, I also know that even if I keep hoping forever that you’ll come and you don’t, God is still good and so is my life.

To wrap this ridiculously long letter/post up: I say a lot of things (good grief I just wrote 2500 about a person that I don’t know yet…), I make a lot of lists, I think and overthink almost everything, I have a lot of ideas, but here’s what really matters more than anything else – I need you to love Jesus more than you will ever love me. God is love. And I don’t want any sort of version of love that exists without God. We need the Holy Spirit in our corner fighting our battles, keeping us holy, interceding for us, and doing the changing of our insides (hearts, brains, souls, habits, etc) – work that we can’t do ourselves. Jesus has to be the center – the everything. You can’t lead and love me like Christ loves the Church and I can’t submit to your leadership and love without Jesus. We can’t forgive 70 times 7 without remembering the depths of our wretchedness that Jesus died to forgive and redeem. I am certain that it will be impossible for you to love me forever without the Holy Spirit on your team (and vice versa, we’re flawed humans!). Marriage is a picture of the Gospel, and we simply can’t do it without being wrecked every day in all of our moments by the power of the Gospel. Love Jesus and let’s always push each other to Him. ALWAYS.

PS. I like beards and hugs and I’m not getting rid of all of my pink decor.

Can’t wait to hug you forever,

Your Really Awesome Future Wife

Note: Should I ever start dating someone, can everyone remind me to revert this post to a draft??

This is part of my 31 People(s) I Love series. I’ll be writing about 31 people/peoples that I adore! Click here if you would like a list of all the posts in this series.

31 People(s): Daddy

January 7, 2016January 7, 2016Leave a comment

If you’ve been around here any amount of time and/or know me in real life (hi, thanks for reading friends!), you know I lost my dad three+ years ago. I’ve written things about him a few times – Fathers Day for the Fatherless, How to Help Those Who Have Lost, etc. I loved and will always love my dad! With every passing year the grief wound heals a little, but I’ll never not miss him. The first year after he was gone, the monthly anniversary of his death felt like it was ripping the wound back open every single month. On the three month anniversary, one of my best friends encouraged me to make a list of reasons I was thankful for his life. I wrote about it in this post, and I will forever be thankful that I did! He was an amazing man who loved me and my brother FIERCELY and taught me so many things. Things weren’t always great, and I’ll talk about that in a minute because it’s part of my story and his and majorly brings glory to God, but first I want to talk about the great things!

He had the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. He helped so many people get jobs and get back on their feet. He literally would have given someone the shirt off his back or boots off his feet if it would have helped them. For most of the years of my life, he provided a major sense of security for me. Even if he wasn’t physically there, I knew he was there. His work ethic was ridiculously committed. He always tried to pass that down to me and my brother. I don’t think I’ll ever be as hard-working and dedicated as he was! But I am a hard worker and dedicated, because he taught me that was important. I’m thankful for the things he taught me about money. I’m bad at money! He knew it. But he was so good at it and some things stuck with me. I still won’t apply for credit cards when people ask and my reason still is, “my dad would kill me.” And I’m constantly attempting to be a better saver and manager of money. He modeled forgiveness in a beautiful way. He was one of the most forgiving people I’ve ever met and gave so many chances, over and over and over again. He believed in me like no other! He would always ask me how my cookbook writing was going (he called this blog my cookbook). In his eyes, I was a famous cookbook writer. One day there will be a cookbook, or a book, and his belief in me will be one of the many reasons that happens!

And now, because I think the bad parts of our stories magnify the good, allow God’s glory to shine through, and tell miraculous stories of redemption that lead others to Him – I’m going to share the harder stuff. These are segments of MY story, my literal typed out story that I copied and pasted. For the moments that I get to share the story of what God’s done in my life (my testimony), these are parts of what I share. And duh, I’m a writer and a story-teller so of course I have a typed out version. I even have chapter titles. I’m cheesy like that. I’ve shared my full story several times and parts of my story many times with different groups of people. And though I’m not going to share it ALL here today, I’m not ashamed of it. I think the time will come that I’ll share it for the world to see, maybe even this year, but that time isn’t now. 🙂

From Chapter 1: Crazyland

I affectionately refer to my childhood, adolescence, and family life as Crazyland – characterized by chaos, dysfunction, and addiction. My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict for all of my childhood and adolescent years. I won’t go into all the chaos I encountered, but I’ll give you a brief summary: parents usually high and/or drunk, constant fighting, life below poverty line, neglect, spent a lot of time scared, cried myself to sleep many nights, saw my dad point a gun at my mom the night he left for good when I was 11 (I knew even then that he wouldn’t shoot her and that he was being drunk and careless, but traumatic nonetheless), divorce, single mom, dad disappeared for a couple of years, more drugs, more neglect, another failed marriage, abuse, more damage, more fear, dad came back in the picture for occasional custody visits, more drugs, more fear, no peace or stability, EVER. Like I said, CRAZYLAND.

From Chapter Five: My Dad

On November 18th, 2012 my dad died. The same man from Crazyland previously mentioned, but a COMPLETELY different man than the aforementioned one. When I was in college my dad met Jesus. I had prayed for him since I was 13 and given up hope many times that Jesus could ever change him. But He did. The life change was undeniable by anyone who knew him. Our relationship was beyond restored. My dad became my rock and constant. He worked mill shut downs, so I wasn’t was able to spend all holidays with him. But, if he was close enough he’d always make a way for my brother and I to be with him. He loved me and took care of me. He answered my car questions and wanted to hear about my life. If I hadn’t called him, he called me every Sunday. He called me every birthday and holiday, even silly ones like St. Patrick’s Day, and wanted to be the first one (waking me up most times) to wish me a happy fill in the blank. He was from a different generation and place, dropped out of school in 9th grade and could barely read. Reading the bible was something he struggled with, but he learned to pray. He prayed for me and my brother everyday. He made us hold hands at dinner and prayed over the meal. He truly was a new man. Unfortunately, the decisions of his past had already started to ruin his body. He had Hepatitis C. Coupled with so many years of alcohol abuse, it lead to cirrhosis of the liver and liver cancer.

My world was shattered. The one sense of family I had left was gone. November to the end of December that year was complete and utter painful misery. I tried to handle grief in my own strength and failed. In desperation, I gave in. I told Jesus I didn’t know what else to do but go to Him and that I didn’t really believe that even He could make it better. I told myself I’d spend time with Jesus every day for two weeks and see if it helped. A this point, I was willing to try anything to escape the collapsing pain I felt. I learned how to make my time with Jesus sacred and special for me and my temperaments and learning styles (I wrote about this once too). My entire life, spending time with Jesus was a struggle, an obligation I rarely had time for. But I gave him the most feeble attempt at an inch that I could, and he relentlessly pursued my back miles and miles. Spending time with Him became something I needed and wanted to do because He loved me and I loved Him, not an obligation. God also used my dad’s death to reconcile some other relationships in my family. I still miss my dad EVERY day and wish he was here, but I fully know God used his death and sickness to draw me back to Him.

From Chapter Six: Here and Now

I’m closer to God now than I’ve ever been. I have a need for Jesus every day. I had the need before, but I was never able to fully surrender. I thought I was strong enough to do life with my own strength and abilities. Jesus makes me loving, Jesus heals my heart, Jesus gives me hope. Any of my former faking it to appear to have it all together abilities were ripped away when my dad died and left me in a raw surrendered form that the Holy Spirit could actually change.

I’m thankful for every bit of the life I’ve lived – even the loss and hurt. I’m thankful for how it echoes God’s presence throughout. I’m thankful for who I am because of what I’ve been through. I’m also thankful that it doesn’t define me. I’m thankful for redemption and that God makes beautiful things out of brokenness. I’m thankful that God released me and healed me from living in the lies and shadows of my past. I’m thankful that he freed me from feeling like I have to hide behind the shame of baggage, the past, or sin. I’m thankful that vulnerability breeds vulnerability and that He allows the sharing of our stories to break down walls and transform lives.

My life verse used to be Isaiah 43:2, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you,” because so much of my life was characterized by chaos and I needed God’s protection. Since my dad’s death my new verse is Romans 4:18, “In hope he believed against hope.” I still need God’s protection, but instead of waiting for the next chaotic thing, I choose to believe in “hope against hope” and His relentless redemption of our lives and stories.

I know these last three posts haven’t been as warm and fuzzy as posts about my imaginary TV friends, SBC, or my beautiful, hilarious, and wonderful friends (and are probably all collectively what held me up from finishing this project), but they all point to/end with the warmest and fuzziest thing of all – hope. The bad and sad are harder to talk about, but so necessary! The Gospel changes EVERYTHING! It heals hurt, it redeems the bad and sad, it changes lives. Let’s not be afraid to share the hard things so that God’s glory can shine through them!

This is part of my 31 People(s) I Love series. I’ll be writing about 31 people/peoples that I adore! Click here if you would like a list of all the posts in this series.

31 People(s): More Family

January 6, 2016January 6, 2016Leave a comment

You’ve heard about my brother, Aunt Sandy, and my cousin Marissa, but I want to tell you a little about some of the rest of my family now (except for my dad, he gets his own post right after this one!). We don’t get to pick our families. And not everyone comes from a healthy family, but I think we are all born (or adopted) into the families we’re meant to be kin to. The good, bad, ugly, dysfunction, great memories, not so great memories, triumphs, tragedies, victories, and trauma all shape the humans we become. Families are one of those things I’m convinced Paul is talking about in scripture when he says that all things work together for good.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” –Romans 8:28

Let me pause a moment to say that I really don’t think you should ever quote that scripture to anyone going through anything bad (I’m certain I’ve been guilty of that at least once or twelve times). In the midst of bad – abuse, neglect, tragedy, trauma, depression, grief, loss, etc., quoting that scripture can easily be misinterpreted to the hurting heart that what is happening is good. None of those things are good. I do think it’s important to remember and believe something my friend Amanda Taylor said months ago that hasn’t left my thoughts, “God’s definition of good and our definition of good aren’t always the same.” BUT, bad is real and really does happen in this fallen broken world we live in. I just think (know) that God can and wants to redeem the bad in our lives. He uses our brokenness in beautiful ways. Broken people find broken people and experience healing from one another’s stories and hurts. The scars remain (see yesterday’s post), but God uses it for His glory and leads us to healing. We can love our families even if they’re broken and have hurt us. We can also be the ones who break generational sin and shame.

“It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.” -Albus Dumbledore, Goblet of Fire (book)

I just don’t think there is any “supposed to” we can apply to family relationships. All of our situations are different and there just isn’t a set of rules we can generically follow. I think family stuff is hard whether you have a great one or a broken one or a great one that’s also broken. I think it’s GREAT to love your family and be proud of them and loyal to them, but the only worthy, lasting, unshakable thing that we can put our hope in is Jesus. I also know that reconciliation is real. It doesn’t always happen, but it can. I think God speaks to us and leads us to where wants to go in regards to family relationships. Just listen and ask! Maybe you’re supposed to seek reconciliation. Maybe you’re not. Either road is hard! We can pray for them and love them. We can set boundaries if we need to. We can spend time with them if we want to or need to. We can laugh hysterically while we re-tell old stories and make new memories. We can cry hysterically about it all when we need to. We can have good moments and bad moments. We can forgive and still protect ourselves in the ways we need to. We CAN heal and let go of bitterness and resentment. Good or bad, our families don’t define us. They are part of us and our stories, but the don’t define us. We can celebrate our similarities AND our differences.

“It isn’t how you are alike. It’s how you are not.” -Albus Dumbledore, Order of the Phoenix (movie)

So all that to say, my family isn’t perfect. I didn’t get to chose them, but I wouldn’t wish any of them away. I desire to be in the balance of Albus Dumbledore’s words and the apostle Paul’s words when I think about them – aware of the good ways in which we’re alike, thankful for some of our differences, proud of who I’ve grown to be, and reminded of God’s redeeming hand amidst it all.

I know how to feed cows, work in a garden, and that no tomato is as good as garden-grown tomato because of my Papaw (mom’s dad) whose work ethic is unmatched by any I’ve ever known. I know that I was supposed to be a red-head because of my German Mamaw (mom’s mom). I got my freckles (which I love) from both sides – the German Mamaw and my Nanny (dad’s mom). From my mom I got good calves, craftiness, and an adventurous cooking side (I’m told she made homemade egg rolls once way back in the day before Pinterest). My cousin Jacob (Marissa’s brother, Aunt Sandy’s son) is one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever met. He leads worship with his lovely wife and I’m a super proud big cousin. My cousin Zack (Marissa and Jacob’s brother, Aunt Sandy’s son) and I have identically freckled arms, it’s weird. He got the red hair I was suppose to get. He’s hilarious too and a ridiculously talented musician. I’m certain he’s going to be a famous drummer one day (#proudcousinstatus). My Uncle Jeff (Aunt Sandy’s husband) is also hilarious and is an INCREDIBLE carpenter that makes amazing woodworking things (and also a musician, I didn’t inherit this gene that they all possess). My Uncle Charles (mom and Aunt Sandy’s brother) is another one of the hard-working men of my family and an excellent huntsman; I wish I had access to just a fraction of the deer meat he acquires each year. My Aunt Ellen (Uncle Charles’s wife) is quiet, kind, gentle, and loving. My cousin Nick (Charles and Ellen’s son) is super smart, loves theology and ministry, and is a new dad to a precious baby boy. My cousin Josh (Nick’s brother) has two of the cutest kids I’ve ever seen that he loves dearly and has an extremely talented artistic wife who’s an amazing mom to those little boys. My Nanny (dad’s mom) is an incredible woman that I’ve gotten closer to as an adult. We’re so much alike and I value everything she says! My Aunt Debbie (dad’s sister) is kind, smart, and beautiful. I am envious of her world travels! My cousin April (Aunt Debbie’s daughter) lives an amazing life in FRANCE with her beautiful family. She inspires me to not be scared of adventure and change. My cousin Ian (April’s brother) lives a hard life and has a family that loves him and thinks about him and prays for him constantly! My other Mamaw (dad’s stepmom) is a lovely little southern belle of a lady who’s an amazing cook and as sweet as tea (the southern kind, duh). My Papaw (dad’s dad) loves the Lord so much and also loves golf more than anyone I know. My Uncle Bob (dad’s brother) is forever hardworking and loves his family fiercely. My Aunt Kim (Uncle Bob’s wife) is one of the sassiest people I’ve ever met, an AMAZING cook, and a sacrificially loving wife, mom, and grandmother. My cousin Jeret (Kim and Bob’s son) has two adorable little girls and is one of the most down to earth people I’ve ever met. And last but not least, my stepmom. I will forever and always be thankful for how she always took care of and loved my dad, but especially in his last days. She was by his side every minute and had to watch him live all of his last, final, and hard moments and continues to love and remember him no matter how much time passes.

These are the people who were meant to be my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Their genetics, characteristics, personalities, skills, talents, and stories have shaped me. I am thankful for their lives! You know I love to google things. A google image search for “family quotes” produced this gem, “Family: They drive you crazy. They drive you nuts. They drive you loony. But – they drive you.” I’m genuinely thankful for the ways they’ve driven me, the love they’ve shown me and each other, and the me they’ve directly and indirectly helped me become. And above all I’m thankful for a God who has adopted me and made me part of the only perfect family that will ever exist – His.

This is part of my 31 People(s) I Love series. I’ll be writing about 31 people/peoples that I adore! Click here if you would like a list of all the posts in this series.

31 People(s): Lifesavers

January 5, 2016January 16, 2016Leave a comment

This is probably THE post that has subconsciously held me up from finishing this stupid challenge. And by stupid I mean great and wonderful. But you know, feeling like calling it stupid right now since it’s three months after I meant to finish it and haven’t yet. It’s the darkest one. The hardest one. The one that I can’t really tie up with a pretty bow like I do all the others. I’ve thought a million times about just eliminating it and picking something random like the 35 crushes I had in college to write about instead (that’s a real number), but I knew I needed to write it. So I’m going to. And then we’re just gonna move on and wear sparkles, okay? Okay.

In reality, all the people I’ve written about, especially Jesus over and over and over again, but all of these other amazing people that I get to call mine, have been lifesaving forces. But above and beyond, Jesus put two people in my life in the darkest season I’ve ever walked through to save and change my life. So many people I’ve known, watched, and heard of, myself majorly included, go through life all the way into adulthood thinking they’re 100% totally okay and have this thing called life figured out regardless of the things they’ve been through.

Facts are facts and science is science and there are a whole lot of people out there a lot smarter than me who by studying the human brain and body figured out that humans simply can’t just compartmentalize all our baggage and hurts and scars and move on. Things have to be dealt with, worked through, healed from. Healing doesn’t happen by simply picking ourselves up by our boot straps and moving on. Surviving is necessary at times, many times, especially in trauma and tragedy, but eventually we have to deal with it all. When we don’t deal with it, it manifests itself and spills over into all sorts of things until we’re forced to deal with it. Until I was 26, I WAS OKAY. I had been through a lot, a lot of things no child, teenager, or adult should have to deal with, but I was okay, okay?!

But I wasn’t. Once upon a time (back in 2009) when I started this blog as one of many efforts to battle that dark season, I wrote this post. I was vague, and for the sake of not writing a book in this single post, I won’t divulge every detail of my story now. However, because I think it’s important, because I want to be real when I say I’m passionate about vulnerability and transparency, and because I think Satan is squashed and God is glorified when we talk about the hard things, I’m going to dig a little deeper. During that season of life when everything bubbled up and demanded to be dealt with, I started seeing a counselor. I had been to a counselor once before in college, but I was convinced I was okay, and told her I was too. I thought she believed me; in hindsight I think she knew I wasn’t, but knew I had to realize that myself first.

The trigger that finally broke me was some new and hard stuff that happened with my family. It can most easily be summed up as rejection. As a result, I started having nightmares. Because I didn’t want to have those nightmares, I stopped sleeping. I was in grad school at the time and decided to see the school nurse because not sleeping seemed unhealthy. She encouraged me to see a counselor and put me on sleeping medication. Counseling was a free resource since I was a student and she knew I needed it. I started going because I knew I needed to, but I didn’t want to. Having to deal with the new stuff and delve into the old stuff HURT! It was a necessary kind of hurt; healing doesn’t come without pain. Lack of sleep and trying to work through hard stuff while simultaneous continuing to try and avoid dealing with the hard stuff lead to a pretty bad case of clinical depression. I was on sleeping medicine, depression medicine, and then also developed social anxiety. I’d drive or walk to my class and not be able to force myself to go in. I was down to only one class and it was an online class. I just couldn’t do it.

I really do believe the thing that kept me wanting to wake up every morning was my job. I was a nanny to a precious little girl name Addie. Addie is one of my lifesavers. I experienced some suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager, but even through a terrible season of depression and hopelessness as an adult, my thoughts didn’t go there and I think one of the many reasons for that was Addie. I really think baby cuddles have healing powers. Soon I couldn’t even hang on to my one class and therefore had to leave. No apartment, no school, no job, no Addie, and no counselor. A friend and her parents took me in until I got back on my feet. People from my Slidell church were able to get me connected with a new counselor that graciously agreed to see me for free since I didn’t have a job at the moment.

Enter into the picture lifesaver number 2. My counselor before was necessary, but I was avoidant and not fully ready. Desperation was the kick in the pants I needed to make some things happen. I eventually got a social work job, a place to live, and was back in Slidell with the people that I wasn’t ready to let go of yet. For almost a year and a half I met with that wonderful lady once a week. Counseling days were hard, a good kind of hard, but hard nonetheless. I’m a healthy human on the inside now because of her. Friends are great, WONDERFUL gifts from the Lord, but so are counselors. God gifts and calls people to this career and some of us (maybe most of us) really need them!

The difference in a friend and a counselor is that when your friend tries to argue with you and tell you that God loves you (insert any other truth you don’t want to believe) and you argue back and are convinced He doesn’t, you usually win because you’re pretty dang good at arguing and fighting to believe the lies you cling to. Because your friend loves you, they probably get frustrated and hurt and sad AS THEY SHOULD, because they care. Counselors care too, but it’s different. You can tell your counselor over and over again that you can’t and don’t and won’t believe that, and they’ll let you say those things. They won’t get frustrated, but they also don’t let you win. They know how to get to the root of the lies. They know how to teach you how to fight the lies and how to really stop believing them (cognitive behavior therapy). They know, and studied for MANY hours and days and years, how your brain works and how the things that have happened to you shaped you beyond your power or knowledge.

I BELIEVE IN COUNSELORS! Mine saved my life. Not just in a literal since of the word in that if I didn’t learn all of that I probably would have ended up wondering if life was worth living again or coping in unhealthy ways that likely lead to a quicker death. But also, because of her I learned how to have a full and happy life despite my circumstances. THAT IS LIFESAVING! I will add this little tidbit that is subjective, but I’m passionate about it. I think Christian counselors are the way to go. I’ve been to both. There is a difference. I think ALL counselors are great. I am an advocate. Go! But if you’re a believer, go with a Christian counselor. Cognitive behavior therapy is cognitive behavior therapy, Christian or not, BUT, if you’re a believer, counseling and cognitive behavior therapy through a Gospel lens is vital and life-changing.

To sum up all these jumbled words, a sweet little girl named Addie unintentionally poured into my life in a way that made me love that part of my life and made me want to fight to love more parts of my life. My amazing counselor intentionally poured into my life in a way that changed me forever and taught me how to never stop fighting for the abundant life promised me (and all believers). Because of counseling and God’s hand in it I learned A LOT of things and overcame A LOT of things. But the biggest most life-changing thing I learned is this: Shame is one of the biggest obstacles that prevents healing from actually taking place and it doesn’t belong anywhere. Shame is not the same thing as guilt and it simply DOES NOT BELONG in our hearts and heads.

I learned that children of dysfunctional families, children of addicts, and those who have experienced abuse and neglect whether it was seeing their loved ones suffer those things and/or personally experiencing those things (both in my case) survive because they have to, but their insides are changed in ways beyond their control and they don’t even know! Many of those children become adults who unknowingly have an identity defined by shame. When your identity becomes shame-based, you simply can’t get rid of that without retraining your brain. Guilt is an emotion felt over a behavior or action (or failure to act). Even guilty feelings sometimes lie and have to be evaluated against truth. But shame? Shame is an ugly word! Shame is self-condemnation. Shame doesn’t feel bad about a behavior or action, it feels bad (worthless, small, defective) about the person who committed the action – you. Shame is always a lie.

Cognitive behavior therapy retrains your thoughts. It’s hard. It’s ugly. It takes a LONG time and a LOT of effort. But it works. Most of us probably struggle with believing lies. Some are surface, some are deeply rooted. Deeply rooted lies that have become part of how you define yourself and are second nature to think and believe, require HARD work to get rid of. It’s worth it. It’s SO SO worth it. Shame and living an abundant life don’t coexist. I think and hope you probably know that when I say abundant life I don’t mean a life full of wealth or things. It is possible to materialistically live an abundant life and cling to shame, BUT not the kind of abundant life Jesus promised. For kicks I googled “define abundant life” just to see what the internets said. Even Wikipedia, the most reliable source for information (sarcasm) gets it! “Abundant life refers to life in its abounding fullness of joy and strength for mind, body, and soul. Abundant life signifies a contrast to feelings of lack, emptiness, and dissatisfaction.”

Shame doesn’t belong! My life is abundantly full now despite my circumstances, a life that was always mine (and yours) to have, because shame no longer exists. I love myself – my face, my body, my mind, my quirks. I love my life – my people, my story, my scars. I love my Jesus – more than life and no longer want to hide from Him even when I mess up (and I do OFTEN). And I know He fiercely loves me, chose me, and came to “take sin and bear shame” – my sin, my shame – on the cross. FOREVER. I couldn’t say any of those things for myself before and in the thick of counseling. I believed God loved you, but not me. I believed I loved Jesus, but not enough and didn’t deserve to. Finding and replacing those lies freed me up to live an abundant life. Being able to live that kind of life saved my life because that kind of life is worth living. SHAME DOESN’T BELONG!

(Note: I still have bad days and lies still rear their ugly heads! Like my 2009 self said: “Acceptance is the end. And I personally think the last stage is lifelong. Like a cool scar. A story to be told. And in the case of these life scars, a God’s glory scar.”)

This is part of my 31 People(s) I Love series. I’ll be writing about 31 people/peoples that I adore! Click here if you would like a list of all the posts in this series.

Christmas Pep-Talk

December 15, 2015January 6, 20161 Comment

The Christmas season can be a lot of things. Busy. Magical. Chaotic. Fun. Hard. Beautiful. Exhausting.

Here are the things I want to talk to you about this Christmas season:

1. Taking time to focus on Advent really keeps everything in perspective. It alleviates the fuss and pressure and overwhelming feelings of loss, comparison, etc. etc. etc. and brings attention to the hope and history of a Savior being born so that He could live a spotless life and die a sacrificial death to give us life. Whether it’s an advent study, a calendar with tasks and reminders, a verse a day, parts of THE story once a week, just get in there! Let your affections be stirred by the ultimate peak in THE greatest story of all time when the final Hero enters the epic story of mankind and becomes THE resolution.

2. Stop making/following rules and ridiculous expectations. You can send photo Christmas cards of you or your cat or you and your roommates and their cats. You’re not too old, too young, too single, too child-less, too chubby, or too anything to be on a Christmas card if you want to be on a Christmas card. And if you don’t? DON’T MAKE/SEND THEM! It’s not a rule. There are no rules. Nothing has to be perfect – not your house, your outfit, your party, the candy, the cookies, the gifts, the decor, the cards, the invites, the shelf elves, and everything else. It doesn’t have to be perfect. If trying to make any of it perfect is stressing you out and taking out the enjoyment, drop it! I decorate because I like it. I sent Christmas cards because I wanted to. Do it because you want to and like it, not because you’re supposed to. And for the supposed to’s that you can’t avoid, give yourself some extra love before and after accomplishing it and then MOVE ON to enjoyable things.

3. Spread some Christmas cheer. Christmas really can trigger some unpleasantries rooted in misplaced priorities, focus, and perspective pushed on us by EVERYTHING AROUND. Not everyone gets presents or have people to give them presents, and that can make you selfishly sad for a minute. Not everyone has family to visit for the holiday, another sad minute. And many of us are missing someone we used to get to spend holidays with (loved ones we’ve lost) or someone we’ve never gotten to spend a holiday with (single adults feel their singleness around the holidays more than normal). But you know what? Some people are going through really terrible things – the tragic loss of a child, horrible terminal sickness, living under bridges, stuck in slavery, addicted to all sorts of things, and beyond. There is no better way to take the focus off of ourselves (though it’s okay to be sad and let sadness have it’s minutes!), than by spreading Christmas cheer to someone else. There are orphans, widows, and oppressed people all around us. And people who just need a Christmas hug! Buy a gift for someone at your local nursing home or a foster child. Bake or buy some cookies for your neighbor. Give your coworkers Christmas cards. Invite someone to your family’s Christmas celebration.

4. Gratitude really does squash the bad. Let’s be abundantly aware of all the things we have to grateful for this season and always! IT’S EVERYWHERE. I’ll start, and then you go, okay? Today I’m thankful for:

roommates who agree to take cheesy (and awesome) Christmas card pics
that those Christmas cards will be displayed on people’s refrigerators, mantels, and cute Christmas card displays and holders should any single, Jesus loving, bearded men happen into their homes (I did not send Christmas cards for this reason, duh, but I’m not sad about a cute pic of my friends’ really awesome single friend named Kasia and her single roommates being displayed as a potential conversation stater/advertisement, just sayin’)
for all the Christmas cards I get to display on my fridge and Christmas card holder
that weather is cool enough to allow me to wear one of my new Christmas sweaters FINALLY
and for a super cute elf with my name on it that my coworker gave me for Christmas today!

5. Enjoy it! 2016 is almost here folks. Don’t let the busy of the season cause you to miss it. This year and season is seriously going to be over in a flash. Finish the things you want/need to finish for the year (like your 31 posts KASIA), love on the people you want to love, celebrate the traditions you want to celebrate, start the new traditions you want to start, drink hot cocoa, eat candy canes, watch Elf and all your other favorite Christmas movies, buy some eggnog and forget to drink it, make cookies, wrap presents, build gingerbread houses, wear Christmas pjs. ENJOY THE HECK OUT OF IT!

And one extra tidbit for fun. WEAR ALL THE SPARKLY THINGS! Wear red and green together, you never get to do that! Wear Christmas sweaters like crazy (if the weather will cooperate). Wear Christmas earrings. Use all your sparkle polishes. Wear your sequin skirts and dresses and all your sparkly shoes. Add bling! Probably don’t do ALL these things at once, add sparkle tastefully, but do it!

Merry Christmas! Let’s make it one to remember.

Kasia's Kitchen

Food, projects, writing, lots of thinking, and life, it all happens in my kitchen!

Category: real life

Her Story: The Prequel

The Prequel

Mondays and Meet-Cutes

Mondays

Meet-Cutes

2016 Goals

31 People(s): Final Thoughts

31 People(s): Et Cetera

31 People(s): Future Husband

31 People(s): Daddy

From Chapter 1: Crazyland

From Chapter Five: My Dad

From Chapter Six: Here and Now

31 People(s): More Family

31 People(s): Lifesavers

Christmas Pep-Talk