Love and Bad Moods

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I had over half of a post written about my struggle to believe in God’s love in my singleness, and it was positive and great! I was looking forward to writing the rest. I even had a great outfit day (lots of compliments aka outfit confirmations), a perfect side braid day, and a coffee meeting that involved a PSL.

And then…

I got pulled over for speeding. Yes, wrong. But I didn’t actually know I was speeding or what the speed limit was. 44 in a 30. All my fault. But I got a ticket. Was late meeting the people I invited over to my apartment to watch the season premieres of two long anticipated shows. Then discovered I no longer have the channel that the show plays on. THEN I realized I wore a price tag connected to my shirt under my armpit ALL DAY.

And so, I’m not nearly as positive as I was earlier. Is it the end of the world? No, obviously! But I know my post about being loved and single has so much more potential with me in a good mood, so I’m delaying it. The past me must have known the future me was about to have a stinky evening because I was drawn in by the marketing genius to get the Taylor Swift edition Diet Cokes. I mean Taylor Swift + a cute tall can + Diet Coke = WIN! I also happened to pick up some Reese’s pumpkins. So when I got home, I let my self shed a tear or two, found another show to watch, ate a Reese’s pumpkin, and had a fancy Diet Coke! The writing on the box got my attention when I got home (after all the chaos).

“If you’re lucky enough to be different, don’t ever change.” Thanks Taylor. I needed to be reminded that in all my craziness of crying and freaking out about a ticket and a TV show for teenagers, wearing a price tag on my cute shirt all day, and buying Diet Coke just because it has Taylor Swift’s name on it even though I’m 30, that I’m still lovable. Being reminded that my craziness is okay, also lead me to be reminded that regardless of how my crabby mood could most definitely probably make every person I know decide not to like me, God still loves me.

Though it may be a small thing, it’s a big thing for me. My brain is a little crazy, if I haven’t mentioned that enough in these few paragraphs, so the fact that I went from thinking I should minimize my people intake so I don’t make people hate me to a happy thought about God still loving me is a big deal! Instead of defaulting to my old way of thinking and processing to allow something like getting a speeding ticket to lead me into a place of self condemnation and dislike, a night of sadness, and convincing myself that no one, friends, family, myself, or God should like me, let alone love me, I was [almost] instantly reminded that God loves me, people love me, and I love me (not in spite of all the things that make me “lucky enough to be different” but because of them, because God loves me, and more)!

My spirits were lifted. I was still a little bit mad at that dang cop (how dare he do his job!?), but I enjoyed my fancy diet coke, got in comfy clothes, chose to write about singleness when I wasn’t mad at a cop, indulged in a little chocolate treat, and watched some feel good TV (thanks Glee for NOT playing the Finn episode tonight, couldn’t have handled it!).

God often uses things like Taylor Swift Diet Coke quotes, TV commercials, Dr. Seuss, and many more oddities, to remind me of truths about Him, and I’ll never be sad about that. Just more proof that God knows me and how my brain works and loves me. Taylor’s Diet Coke quote, reminds me of some ever familiar scriptures in Psalms and Luke.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them. If I would count them, they are more than sand. I awake, and I am still with you.” (Psalm 139: 13-18, ESV)

All the bold emphasis is obviously added my me. But these parts I added bold emphasis to, they stick out to me. They speak to me. Not in a way that I’m translating them from the original language and deciphering the meaning of each word (so thankful people can and do that). But in a way my heart and imagination, the heart and imagination God gave me, see them for me. Why?

“You formed” – HE took the time to form and create ME! And He loves me.

“You knitted me together in my mother’s womb” – I’d like to think it took a little extra work to knit together such a beautiful baby girl (I was a stinking cute baby!) in the womb of a drug addicted mother (whom I do love dearly despite many of her life choices) that was the a combination of DNA from another drug addict and alcoholic (my dad, whom I love more than anything, miss every day, and rejoice that Jesus saved and changed him before he died) who was given then name Kasia (a “lucky enough to be different” kind of name). And He loves me.

“fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your work” – Me. Loved. Cherished. Special. Fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. His works are wonderful. I am His work. I am wonderful. And He loves me.

“My frame was not hidden from you” – My frame. My specific frame that often causes me to doubt my ability to be loved. My frame, one that isn’t skinny. It wasn’t, it isn’t, hidden from Him and He loves it and me.

“intricately woven” – Every detail. Every mannerism. Every last freckle, bad eye, crooked tooth, and quirk. And He loves me.

“the days that were formed for me” – Even the days that I get speeding tickets and have a crabby mood. Even the days that I don’t think I can make it through like the upcoming year anniversary of my dad’s death. He knew them. He knows them. And He loves me.

“Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:7, ESV)

And I have a lot of hair guys. I don’t know if I have more hair or freckles. But He knows the number. Every one. He even knows the number of worlds I ramble on and on about and type on and on about. I can’t keep up. Can you? And He loves me. And He loves you.

For the month of October, I’m participating in The Nester’s #31Days blog writing challenge. My topic is Food for Thought. I’ll be writing about two main things. 1. Understanding and believing God’s love. 2. Making life in the kitchen more manageable. You can read all my #31Days posts here

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